Thought for Food

Discovery: Mankind Existed in the 70’s

Nick is a fantastic writer.  And I just thought he mixed a perfect Professor Longhair!

nickbennettusa:

Recently the East Hampton Independent was given a scientific grant from the U.S. Government, which allowed our staff of archeologists and scientists to unearth one of the greatest discoveries of the 21st century: that mankind existed in the seventies.

This grant allowed our staff of archeologists to excavate a site known as a “library.” For those of you who are unaware of the term, a library was a gathering place of knowledge and idea eons before the creation of the Internet. They spoke in an archaic language known as the Dewy Decimal System, which, like hieroglyphics, only a select few in the world can translate.

The team was surprised to unearth an original copy of the first edition of “The Joy of Sex”. It was found deep in the caverns of the library, miles below the surface of the earth nowhere near any of the computers, which is as far into the library as I’ll go.

The primitive drawings that are etched into the pages have given modern day man a glimpse at what humans might have looked like back in the seventies.

This 1970’s mankind appears to be a missing link in the evolutionary chain falling somewhere between Homo Erectus (go ahead, you can giggle) and modern day Homo Sapiens.

The Rosetta Stone, which was instrumental to deciphering hieroglyphics, was sadly useless when trying to understand the caveman-like illustrations used in the seventies. Fortunately the discovery of the Sly and the Family Stone has since given a better understanding of what many of the images depicted in this book might have meant. Most images are simple and only depict Everyday People having Hot Fun in the Summer (not allowed to say what they wanted to take “Higher”).

There were other amazing technological discoveries unearthed in our excavation. Despite their primitive ways of living there seemed to be some incredible scientific advancements that have since been lost to time. Proof of this is evident in the remains of a recording of a galactic war that took place long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Regarding religion in the seventies, we have come to believe that humans worshipped Angels. These Angels were apparently sent from the god Charlie to save the world. They even took on the role of three beautiful women to better understand humanity.

Another religion, apparently known as Jesus Christ Superstar, might have been at odds with the worship of Angels but we haven’t found any hard proof of a conflict between these two religions. There is also proof some worshipped the elements Earth, Wind and Fire.

We have also learned that our modern alphabet might have been in some way influenced by the dialect used in the seventies. This is evident in the recordings by educators of the time, The Jackson 5, and their educational poem “ABC” which bears a shocking similarity to today’s ABC’s.

While many jokingly claim that everything is now made in China (check the bottom of this paper) we have yet to find any concrete proof that China even existed before the seventies. The first evidence is when explorer Richard Nixon traveled into the heart of China. After its discovery in 1972, China became a world power, which is proven by early recordings of Chinese leader Bruce Lee and his interaction with other countries (everybody was Kung Fu Fighting).

Another discovery was the intact, fossilized remains of a human being from this era whom scientists have named John Travolta (found mummified in polyester).

More and more discoveries are being found almost daily which continue to raise more questions about this mysterious era. Questions like what happened to this variety of man? One hypothesis is that they were wiped out due to a devastating pandemic known as the Saturday Night Fever.

We may never understand the cultural impact of the seventies, but one theory being passed around the office is that the seventies provided a time for my parents to not be parents. I have a hard time picturing that.